Obsessed Khizer

Paulo was right,”Sometimes you have to lose yourself to find,who you are.” Life seemed so perfect. It was sailing in the ocean, that was utterly devoid of storms. Leaves of my life had never seen autumn. You know that red rose among the white flowers that bewitches you. Yeah, exactly that one…… I used to be that red rose. Okay lets halt this suspense and have a formal introduction. Its me,Khizer,a youth of 26. Ex-1 engineering student in the best alma mater of the country. I used to be the guy,about whom moms advise their sons to imitate so it was obvious, I was the one being envied. Be it academics or extra curriculars, I used to be the one always marking the pinnacle. Humility,chivalry and politeness were my key attributes and financial stability? Well, I belonged to the gentry of town. Let me tell you one thing folks, bragging had never been my thing, but to jot the bitter and sweet experiences of my life, I have to mention everything, ignoring the paradox of humility and vanity.

    At times, my mind used to get entrapped by the complexity of thoughts. As I hadnt seen any failure or setback, I used to think about karma. A karma about the payback of these blessings. Many times, I felt as if I had been made for a special and strenous task or as one might say a very tough exam of life and all these blessings were in guise of compensation.
       

Well, I wasnt wrong! Now let me recall a few experiences….experiences that added a twist in life. I had certain fears, especially the fear of losing everything if I ever jumped into the abyss of vanity and pride. Whenever, my mind used to extoll and praise me for all those miraculous achievements, I instantly used to put a kibosh on those deviating and distracting thoughts. This game of antagonism was gathering momentum. Distracting messages of my subconscious mind were aggrandizing their power and my will power was getting feeble, with the passage of time.
     Apart from all this, there was a period when my religious zeal was at its peak. I was trying to master over the knowledge of Islamic Jurisdiction, secatrian knowledge, Fiqh and Tasawuff. They say, “Excess of everything is bad” and trust me they arent wrong. Love of religion, God,Prophet and all the spirtual personalities was epitomising in my heart. I felt as if this little piece of matter was getting too weak to handle the cascade of love. Gradually I switched to practice Muraqba ( spirtual meditation) without any mentorship.  

I really felt my spirtualism to materialism ratio exceeding,but one thing folks, experiences of my life have taught me that this ratio must never blindly increase or decrease. Their must be sort of balance or else you’ll die deep inside. Well, now again my ruffian subconscious mind following the ritual started to send nefarious and distracting messages. I used to get blasphemous thoughts about personalities, I rever the most. Seeing things that dont really exist, like a pseudo image of filth on each and every holy piece of writing or artwork. Hearing the unheard voices, like abuses during Adhaan and so on. Seeing the false image of revered personalitites in disrespectful positions.
          

Well, trust me that was the worst phase of life. Me, Khizer was fighting a war with Khizer himself. A battle betweem rational and irrational mind. I was innocent, trust me! But that guilt…. Oh My God, I can never forget that. I considered myself the most sinful person on planet. That guilt was killing me inside. I felt myself submerged in the depths of ocean, reckless and helpless. Darkness followed by further darkness. Concentration on academics was also being affected. Tasting death once might not be that bitter but tasting it everyday is surely bitter. I couldnt express all this stuff. Repressed emotions were suffocating me. I had to take a decision and yes I took one.
          

Meeting the Psychiatrist was the best decision of my life. I had decided to be a non conformist and expressed all my feelings without a bit of hesitation and trust me that catharsis was so soothing.

             

        
       
 

     

That

psychiatrist was really a sympathetic and compassionate chum. First of all, he drained my guilt and gave the verdict of my innocense. Oh that moment! That redemption, that absolution, that vindication was so appeasing. Then he explained  my symptoms on medical grounds. I was being diagnosed with, “Obsessive Compulsive Disorder“. It was really shocking. My minding wasnt accepting the fact, that I was a psychological patient. Anyways, he greatly bucked me up and motivated me to use SSRI’s to fulfill the deficiency of Serotonin (neurotransmitter affecting mood) and yes I obeyed him.
     Moreover, he stated that these symptoms are minutely present in many people and are a result of excessive zeal for something but once these symptoms begin to affect your social,mental and academic life, the trouble is surely there. It took about 4-6 weeks for my receptors to get used to the medicine and yes miracles were happening. In the cave of disappointment, bliss and hope were echoing.
I was getting reincarnated in true sense. Everyday was getting better than the previous one and this ride of curology was going really great. I took the medicine for one and a half year, after which it was gradually tappered off and life was again back on track.
     Now, here I am writing just a single tragedy out of a bunch of tragedies in my life. Im again that healthy and jolly Khizer, living a great life full of satisfaction. This is just the first page of book, folks. Gradually you’ll get to know, who really is Khizer. Prognosis was really good and yes, there was a great change in my wisdom and approach towards life. I crushed my overthinking and learnt to live a balanced life. In life, you have to compromise many times. No ones perfect and no ones blessed with everything. Theres always a lacuna and that lacuna becomes a pretext for remembering your God and trust me, the actual peace of mind is in His remembrance. Thats how it goes on. Its me, Khizer signing off.